Most of the following information I have tried very hard to block and forget. Please bear with me while I attempt to unblock them. I would say the first time I recall an attraction to another female would have been in 5th grade. I will never forget her. Her name was Greer, Ms. Typical-preppy-blonde-with-a-father-on-TV-rich-popular girl. She was the most popular girl in the school of course. I think she talked to me a total of 3 times.

Anyways as I entered middle school the denial kicked in. I would say I was down right homophobic until freshman year. By then I had admitted to myself that there was something there, but it was something I would never reveal to another human being. I had sort of grown-up into an all out tomboy-never touched-make-up-wrestled-with-her-brother girl. The summer between 8th and 9th grade I had cut off of my hair, like 10 inches. Breaking the stereotype of lesbians coming out and then cutting there hair, by doing the reverse. Sophomore year was when I started coming out to some of my close friends and had my first girlfriend. The summer before junior year I had decided I could no longer care who knew at school except for my little brother and sister. But slowly, the lies and secrets between me and my family were eating away at my heart. I came out to my older brother, my closest sibling, accidentally. It was difficult and I regretted it for a while. Though he didn’t freak out or anything, later on he took advantage of the situation and started blackmailing me. Whenever I knew something he didn’t want our parents to know, he would threaten to tell if I told.

I was growing-up and making all the classic mistakes, but always seeming to catch a break with my parents. They got sick of me being on the phone late at night with my girlfriend so they started taking my phone at 10 pm. This particular night I had come home slightly intoxicated, and my mom of course could tell. She came into my room to take my phone, and well, I couldn’t get the buttons to work fast enough to delete my text messages that were all to my girlfriend. My mother read every single one of those messages, like 100. I mean what do you text to your girlfriend? You can only imagine. Plus we discussed possible ways of me coming out to them. Well after this there was a 2 week period of awkwardness and avoiding, and I knew my parents know, and they knew I knew. I was waiting for them to get up the guts to confront me. Finally it happened, and it was a huge relief. My dad asked me if I thought I was old enough to make this life altering decision, I assured him I was. They said they loved me no matter what and there was crying and hugging all around. I even thought I should have come out earlier on my own terms.

But no, a week later, as I continued my arrogant youth, I was grounded for various retarded reasons and I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t catch a break like I always had been able to do. It felt like they were just sitting around, waiting for me to screw up, which didn’t take long. I didn’t take well to this and did the only thing I could comprehend at the time; rebel. Finally I confronted them about this sudden change, and my orientation was immediately brought up. I quote my father, “I will do everything in my power to stop you from making this choice.” I told him I would love to see him try. Around that time I started having problems with my parents and generally rebelled in anyway possible. For the course of the next three months I was grounded pretty much non-stop. But I knew the real reason behind the groundings. I was being imprisoned simply because I was gay. I know that sounds extreme but think about my parents’ reasoning- how can she be a lesbian if she never sees another girl? I had no other way to react besides with anger. Ok so I don’t react well with any other emotion. I was convinced that I could win this fight convinced that I could make them accept it. I think my parents talked to someone intelligent about the matter, and got some sense kicked into them that this was wrong or something- but my parents gave in. it only took three months. And I stopped drinking recklessly and smoking pot and all those other stupid things I was doing.

By that time it was the summer of 06’ and I was about to start my senior year of high school. Now its just one of those nonverbal things we say. I haven’t talked to my father on the matter since then. At times my mother brings it up with much hesitation and awkwardness as physically possible. When she told me to change my myspace orientation, I flat out refused and said I would take the consequences. My older brother helped out there for once, telling her that if she made me do that, it would be like making him change his ‘single’ status. My mother has never actually said the word lesbian, which I find very amusing. She merely inserts a hefty pause where the word should be. It makes me laugh every time.