Molly's Musings is for the random thoughts in life--some really deep, others very. . . Molly's Musings are meant to get you thinking, laughing or, preferably, both. If you leave this page feeling offended. . .well, you need to open up your mind a little and work on your sense of humor now, don't you? :-)

I don't know about anyone else but I'm sure glad that the holidays are over with. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed seeing my family but each year, it does cause me a lot of stress and it became crystal clear to me this time as to why I get so stressed out being around them--they don't want to let me be me.

I've been living here in Oklahoma for over 10 years now and have been doing a lot of soul searching, reflection and healing during this time. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be who I am today if I hadn't moved away. It's become real clear to me that I had to get away from my family to discover my true self--not the self that my family is convinced that I am and for a long time, convinced me that I am. The sad thing is that during this last trip, it's becoming more painfully obvious that my family will always view me as the person I was conditioned to be, the person that I was never meant to be, and the person that is now only a memory. They won't see me the way my friends and "family of choice" see me. To do so, they'd have to face up to some ugly things that they've been avoiding and which I finally quit running from. Yeah, it hurt having to face up to the ugliness and I guess I foolishly thought that once I faced up to it, the hurt would be gone but a new hurt has replaced it--the hurt from my family still trying to shove me back into a role that I didn't want to take but was forced to take.

I cannot tell you how free I felt as I crossed the state line into Oklahoma on the way back home this past week. I realized that I had been feeling stifled and on guard when I was up there. I also realized that my visits are getting fewer in recent years. I do still see my family several times throughout the year but it's been a year since I made the trip up to Iowa. I guess there's something about the physical surroundings that just add to it.

Anyway, one of the things I'll be thinking about in this coming year is how to remove some of the blinders from family members eyes so they can at least catch a glimpse. Not sure if anything I do will work but I'm not going to give up.

Until next time.