my whole life i have felt different and alone. i have walked miles in the shady hallways of mistakes and sadness. my life never felt right and i never felt like i fit in until a girl found me and made me what i am. some things were for the best and some for the worst, but still with her simple words, "I hear you are bisexual, is it true?" she made me realize that i was indeed bisexual. at the young age of 13, I DECIDED and REALIZED i liked girls and there was no shame in it, but when she moved away and left me standing in the rain. i decided to TRY to make myself forget SHE AND ME ever happened, but i never could. the years passed filled with nothing but mistakes with stupid guys and daydreams of girls i knew i would never find in Oklahoma "The Christian State". so i made mistake after mistake trying to find my way in a world i thought i had had a place in. i thought i had lost my soul,heart or just my mind BUT no it was the essence of me, my happiness. i have tried to make my life end several ways over my short life, but it never would. i would end up in a mental ward with people asking me WHY i tried to kill myself. what could i tell them? I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW! maybe it was because of the multitude of events caused by my first love leaving me, i dont know. all i know is that i lost my mind,heart, and life in those years full of mistakes, and now at sixteen, i am still trying to find acceptance in a world i think will judge me as a spawn of the devil for liking GIRLS! i am a quiet girl, probaly the last person you would expect to be a lesbian, and even now I TRY to make myself forget my first girl love in the hope that maybe then i can be normal and not have to worry about being made fun of at school or being beat up because i am a lesbian. so am i a freak for wanting to be something different yet someday important to the world? is it okay for a high school teacher to tell a teenager to just ignore the whispers about how she is a freak? my question is: how can i ignore them when i hear them everyday of every year? why is there not some type of special LBGT high school? are we NOT important? i am a junior and i feel like dropping out of high school because of the judgement i hear from students at my school, and i am not out of the closet to people at my school! it is just rumors about me being a lesbian! i live everyday in a constant state of fear of judgement for who and what type of person i am. i have heard and seen a girl last year at my school CHANGE schools because people made fun of her so much! why is it that we have rights, but unless you are rich you have no way to pursue those rights?when i lay in my bed at 3 am in the morning, i am left with so many questions, and i am wondering why am i such a freak? is my skin green? are my teeth purple? is my skin blue? i am nice,patient,very caring,intelligent,and okay looking. so why am i am freak? i guess i was lucky on the family part though. my father just tells me to not flirt with his girlfriends and my mom is bisexual or bi-curious (i don't know for sure).even though they tell me my sexual orientation is okay with them. i still feel like an outsider in my own family just because i am lesbian and no one else is, and every night i wonder, "is there someone out there thinking what i am thinking? going through what i am going through? am i alone?" i hate when the counselors say they wish they could help me and then they do NOTHING! where is the justice in our government for everyone, even the small unimportant ones? is a poverty-stricken lesbian teen too below their justice radar? are they all JUST money-grubbing adults with nothing but black holes for hearts? so you see me, a very intelligent teenager hiding her face at school in fear of being recognized as a lesbian and being tortured over it. will i get denied scholarships,grants, and federal money to go to college and become a doctor or teacher because i am a LESBIAN? so many questions run through my mind about my future and present, and i never really know what to do. my family knows i am a lesbian BUT do they accept me? i dont know. i dont know. my straight best friend knows i am a lesbian BUT does she accept me? i dont know. i dont know. are there teens out in oklahoma who hide their true self in fear of being ridiculed and spat upon? maybe, i dont know. maybe there should be a place for LBGT teens to just talk about their lives and experiences so far. i just feel like i am forgotten and there is no where to turn, no more paths left to walk. i know i am a lesbian and i want to be important to this world BUT will i have to hide my true self for the rest of my days? is it okay for someone to have to hide their hearts and souls in fear of judgement, anger, or a mob of judgmental religious persons?forgive me for writing so many questions,and if you are weary of my words i will let you know the end of these sincere niave questions and run on sentences are near. for those of you that are still wondering where i am leading to with all these questions of a lost teen then i will just leave you with one FINAL question: Do you think this government/nation is "fair" to everyone and everything?